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My biggest birthday wish

Nov. 24th, 2014 | 04:43 pm

I've got the oven on with the door open in an attempt to warm things up in here. It's currently 63°, up from 62°.

It's my birthday today. I want to do some nice things for myself to celebrate, but I need for it to get a little warmer. Right now all I want to do is sit under this big blanket. I'm also designing a logo for a friend's company. I should make coffee. Or better yet, I should get one of the delicious lattes they make at the bakery next door. It's my birthday, after all.

My friend Rose is making dinner for me tonight, which is super nice of her. I was going to try to let this birthday slip by uncelebrated, but she wouldn't allow it. I'm glad.

I had planned to go to the Berliner Mieterverien today to get advice regarding my heating and hot water problems, but it's dark and rainng out and I just don't feel like sitting in a waiting room to talk to a lawyer. This looks like a job for Tomorrow.


It's five hours later and my heat and hot water have been finally restored!! My biggest birthday wish has been fullfilled. 

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The cold seeps in

Nov. 22nd, 2014 | 11:57 pm

Yesterday I found that my hot water has again run cold, and my radiators have stopped making heat.

My indoor thermometer reads 64°, so it's not exactly life threatening, but it's not comfortable either, and with the temperature outside hovering around 40°, I'm sure things will only get colder in here.

Having no hot water really sucks. I am so fucking tired of boiling water and taking bucket baths. With it being the weekend, there's no one to call. No one works on the weekends here. Good thing I've got warm blankets and my electricity still works. I baked a potato for dinner and that warmed things up in here a bit.

I put a notebook beside my pillow so I could write down my dreams last night. I haven't been remembering my dreams lately and I was curious. Here's the result:

I am in Chicago and go to a café for a piece of pie. The waitress tells me that she is the owner of the building I am living in. She laughs and informs me that she is going to get rid of everyone currently living there, rennovate it and then jack up the rent. I am so upset to lose my beautiful apartment. This is what happens to renters but I don't have the resources to buy a place. My parents are there and have the ability to help me but they don't say a word. I am so angry but feel helpless.
I am going on a business trip with my friend R. I want to tell her something important but she is absorbed in conversation with other people. I am hurt and feel alone. I walk on my own, ahead of the others then. Why fight so hard to be part of a group that ignores me?

I am trying to get on the right train but don't know exactly when it leaves because my phone isn't working. I hear a train arriving at the station and try to get to the platform but I can't get up the stairs, they only seem to lead down when I need to go up. By the time I finally get there my train has already left.

Wow, my dreams suck.

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Dark night of the soul, and five things

Nov. 7th, 2014 | 01:40 pm

I've been feeling really, really down lately, basically due to the isolation that not having a regular job can bring, in addition to the fact that my closest friend here moved to London two months ago. The loneliness has become oppressive, almost unbearable, and I'm struggling to deal with it. Last night I went to an art opening just to be around other human beings. It's not really enough, even if I force myself to make small-talk with people. It feels so self conscious, and there's a deeper connection that's missing and it leaves me feeling hollow and forgotton. My sense of self worth has withered. I also wonder why I wanted to come here so badly, why did I do this to myself? I feel like Berlin hates me, and I wonder if coming here was a big mistake after all. But then, if not here, where do I belong? I have absolutely no idea. It's a Dark Night of the Soul kind of time for me right now.

Nevertheless, here are 'five good things about today':

When you see this, take a minute and share five good things of your day with the world, uncut:

1. I have hot water today. For the last week our building did not. We had to wait patiently for the boiler to be fixed. I've been taking 'bucket baths', wherein I boil water in a hot pot and then mix it to a comfortable temperature in a plastic bucket with which to wash myself. It was super duper sucky, and I'm glad that's over with.

2. The sun is out today. For the last.. I don't know how many days.. the sky has been extremely dark, making the world appear bleak and depressing. It's so nice to see the warm rays of the sun again.

3. I've been working on re-vamping my portfolio web site and it's looking and functioning much better than it did before. Hooray!

4. I woke up this morning at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. Moving to the sofa helped, and I got a few additional hours of shut-eye. Strange how that works.

5. My pet bird is here with me. He's moulting right now so there is a little bit more cleaning that I need to do than normal with all the feathers everywhere, but his presence in my life is invaluable.

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Nov. 4th, 2014 | 06:06 pm

"If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase: The past does not equal the future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; the last sixteen years; or the last fifty years of life, doesn’t mean anything. All that matters is: What are you going to do, right now?" —Anthony Robbins

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Watching the paint dry

Oct. 24th, 2014 | 05:00 pm

The blue painting of Sophie, drying on the wall, where Rasputin can't perch (read: shit) on it.


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My new super power

Oct. 22nd, 2014 | 11:14 am

A locksmith came to my apartment to fix my broken lock this morning. He did a great job, took the door off the hinges and everything.
Being able to talk to him, to explain the problem and answer his questions without any problems, was like having a super power. A year this would have been a massive struggle for me.

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Oct. 20th, 2014 | 01:07 pm


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Oct. 16th, 2014 | 10:03 pm

"There is nothing wrong with hardships and obstacles, but everything wrong with not trying."
– Werner Herzog

More here

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// No Subject //

Oct. 10th, 2014 | 10:06 am

Two studio visits this weekend, so it's time to clean. Gotta change out Rasputin's nest/bedding and do laundry. Vacuum, mop, dishes. Blah.

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Happy Tag der Deutschen Einheit

Oct. 3rd, 2014 | 04:45 pm

I just threw a cake together and it turned out pretty good.
It's sugar free and grain-free (for whatever that's worth), and pairs nicely with tea.

Click here to read the recipe...Collapse )

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digital sketch

Oct. 3rd, 2014 | 02:46 pm

Nice 'n juicy. Again experimenting with software, seeing what I can come up with.


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Poison, beautifully wrapped

Oct. 3rd, 2014 | 01:23 pm

My headhunter called me a few days ago and told me about a job he thought would be a good fit for my skills and that the pay was fantastic. The job was to be the lead art director for a gambling website. He asked me to think about about it and to call him the next day to let him know if I wanted to go for it or not.

My first reaction was Oh my God the pay is fantastic, I totally want to do this.

But then I thought about it a little longer and realized that there was no way I could work for a place like that, a place that capitalizes on people's hope and desperation while at the same time feeding addiction and bringing people to ruin. I didn't think I'd be able to sleep at night. So I turned the opportunity down.

Something better will come along – I don't need to sell my soul to pay the rent. I've already done design work for Marlborough and McDonald's over the course of my career which was bad enough. Gambling is just too much. It's too obviously, unapologetically evil.

It's not easy to maintain an ethical stance while working in the field of advertising. So much of what we do is feeding people a bullshit story about things that are ultimately not good for them. We are paid to make questionable products look necessary and glamorous. Pharmaceutical companies pour shit-tons of money into advertising. Same with the food and beverage industries.

It's all poison wrapped in a shiny, sexy package.

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The Footmen

Sep. 29th, 2014 | 10:36 pm

Did more work on this one. Need to let it rest for a day or so, but I'm happy with where it's at and where it's going.

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Job fair

Sep. 28th, 2014 | 12:33 am

My long-term freelance project ended at the end of July. The first few weeks of August were spent dealing with a nasty summer cold, and then getting my website, CV and portfolio in order.

For the past four weeks I've been looking for a new job. I'm looking for a full time position since freelance is so unpredictable and I'm sick of being pulled into projects that are already down to the wire, in need of a miracle to pull them off.

So I'm combing job sites and have a headhunter searching for me as well.

Today I went to a job fair for people who are bilingual. More specifically, they're looking for people fluent in English who live and work in Berlin, so I definitely fit the bill. One company stood out as being a possibility, so the trip over to the hell that Potsdamer Platz is wasn't entirely worthless. I swear, that part of the city is such a fucking urban planning failure. I've been over there countless times and STILL get disoriented and can't find my way around it – even with my iPhone and all it's various navigation tools. Nightmare.

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How to become a ghost while still living

Sep. 26th, 2014 | 10:35 pm

Once, I became a ghost. There is a way.
I became invisible to the outer world through my own doing, by withdrawing from it.

I lurked just beyond the threshold, not living and not dead. I could see the true ghosts so much clearer from that vantage point, and at the same time, I became virtually invisible to those still living.

There is always the potential to become a ghost.
We must remain of the world to take part in it.

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Dasha Shishkin

Sep. 12th, 2014 | 09:48 am


Read more...Collapse )

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mit freundlichen Grüßen

Aug. 26th, 2014 | 10:56 pm

I have discovered that there is actually something worse than having to write cover letters.
It's having to write cover letters in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

God help me.

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Shopping for forgotten dreams

Aug. 22nd, 2014 | 12:54 am


Went thrift store shopping with a friend today and we went to a bunch of great places. The one pictured here had a really bizarre yet wonderfully fascinating interior, peppered with bald, armless mannequins. I love places like this – gateways into parallel realities filled with forgotten dreams.

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thrift store magic

Aug. 13th, 2014 | 10:25 am
location: 14 Rigaer Straße Berlin Berlin 10247 Germany

Found this amazing bag at a second hand shop and couldn't resist. It's amazing! Perfect size and everything.

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Aug. 10th, 2014 | 12:00 am

I've learned how to use photographic elements in my processing experiments. This is photography of paper in my studio, cut out into various shapes in Photoshop and then made into a radial collage using processing.


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