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The results are in

Jul. 3rd, 2015 | 05:16 pm

I went to see my doctor yesterday to go over the results of all the tests and it looks like I may have food allergies. We're going to have to do further tests to pinpoint exactly what is to blame, but fructose/lactose intolerance is looking suspect. More on that as the story develops, but YAY I don't have a brain tumor!

In other news, I met the head curator of the Torrence Art Museum in L.A. last week and he is interested in showing some of my work at the museum. That would be wonderful, I'm totally down for that. I fear the whole artwork shipping process, but then again, if I could ship 40 paintings from Chicago to Berlin when I moved here, I'm sure I can ship a few from Berlin to L.A.

My friend Mark in Switzerland also asked me if I'd like to be included in a November group show in Zürich, which I said yes to. He told me I could take the painting off the stretcher bars and ship it to him rolled up and then he would re-stretch it upon arrival. That would save me some cash if he's willing to do that. I would be able to attend the opening, too, which is pretty kick ass.

This weekend I might go to a couple art things on Saturday evening. Sunday I might meet a friend for tea. It's about all I can handle right now because I do still feel like crap. Maybe I should pre-emptively start eating a non-fructose/lactose diet to see if it helps me feel better. I feel like my entire summer is being robbed from me due to neverending fatigue and it pisses me off. I should be out doing things, full of energy, not languishing on the sofa.

Non-fructose/lactose things are not what I think of as being super delicious. They include such things as radishes and turnips, kale and eggplant. I gues eggplant is alright :/

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Adventures in health

Jun. 26th, 2015 | 01:53 pm

I've been having adventures in health lately, both the good and the bad kind.

A string of migraines knocked me out of work for a solid week, during which time I visited the offices of three doctors, only one of whome decided to actually do some investigation and not just throw prescriptions at me.

I'm now supplementing with vitamin D, and I also made the decision to cut out all grains, dairy and meat from my diet for a while, so that when I slowly add them back I can keep an eye on how I feel and see if there's a food allergy componenet involved. Since making these adjustments my chronic cough and migraines have both completely vanished, which is both amazing and mystifying. It was so bad before that I could have sworn I had entire-head-cancer, if that is even a thing.

I had a ton of bloodwork done last Friday and an MRI is planned for Monday.  be able to piece together what is going wrong inside my head, if it was just a vitamin deficiency or something more.

Last Sunday my energy levels were up enough that I was even able to work on the Mushroom Squatters. That was a big deal because for weeks I could barely do anything beyond lay in bed or on the sofa; those were the two flavors of my fatigue. Finally having energy to do things is awesome.

I also completely re-vamped my website, so now it now displays nicely on mobile devices and high-resolution screens. I'll need to re-shoot some of the pieces to get higher resolution images, but that's not a problem. I plan to dedicate tomorrow morning to dragging out old artwork into the light of day and photographing it.

Tomorrow evening I'm going to an opening at the Kreuzberg Pavillion where a friend of mine from the states is having one of her pieces exhibited in a group show. Looking forward to that. 

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Noble Woman III

Jun. 9th, 2015 | 04:53 pm

Finally, this piece is finished! I've been working on it off and on since September. Some pigments take longer to dry than others, and this veridian green took forever, plus it was super-transparent, so I had to layer it up over time to get the dark areas really dark. But I think the results made it worth it – there is a very luminous quality to this painting that doesn't come across in a photograph due to all the layering, a bit like very thin layers of stained glass.

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// No Subject //

Jun. 2nd, 2015 | 02:53 pm

Went to an ear-nose-throat specialist this morning for what I believed was a sinus infection but she found no sign of one. Not even one little bit. But I am definitely suffering from something, so the next step is to have an MRI done. Because there is pressure in my head, my eyes are burning and my cough is as bad as ever.

My mother of course thinks it's all diet related, and is of the belief that I have 'leaky gut syndrome'.

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Of no real importance

May. 27th, 2015 | 02:36 pm

On a whim I put my hair up this morning in a kind of messy bouffant thing. I am tied between thinking it looks good and feeling like I have a weirdly shaped cone head.

Also, it's great that marijuana laws are loosening up and all, but I would love to see psychedelics get the same treatment. I would love to have to option to take medicinal mushrooms to help ease depression/anxiety rather than side-effect ridden SSRI medications.
Magic mushrooms 'less harmful than thought' and should be reclassified, says leading psychiatrist

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// No Subject //

May. 25th, 2015 | 05:45 pm

Today has been all about paperwork, bookkeeping, taxes and other things that I've been putting off and/or dreading. I'm trying to diminish the pile of things that contribute to my skyrocketing anxiety levels.

One highlight of the weekend was having the chance to make some progress on the painting. Seriously, thank God for art.

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// No Subject //

May. 22nd, 2015 | 03:23 pm

I discovered a 'Free Store' in my neighbourhood where I can donate things. That way my old roller blades/hot plate/rebounder/etc. can hopefully find a new life in someone else's home who needs them more than I. The store is called Systemfehler.

I paid a massive amount of income tax to the government today. Glad that's over with (for now).

Looking forward to the long weekend – we're celebrating Pfingstmontag here in Germany. I'm going to clean all of the things! And maybe do some painting, too.

In other good news, more than 90 days since I started my new job have passed, which means that my trail period is over! woo hoo

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Not for the faint of heart

May. 22nd, 2015 | 11:56 am

First ever panic attack as I walked home from work yesterday.
do. not. want.

You know what triggered it? Someone asked me for advice on moving from the U.S. to Berlin.

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// No Subject //

May. 20th, 2015 | 05:21 pm

I feel the need to excise the clutter in my home, but I need to figure out what to do with my unwanted things. I know where to put my old clothes – there are donation boxes in various locations near me – but the things I'd like to get rid of, a hotplate, tv antenna, inline skates, rebounder... these things I have no idea what to do with. Maybe eBay.

Boredom and monotony seem to prevail, as well as (ironically) the feeling that I never have enough time.

In the odd moments I've been attempting to bend a spoon with my mind. So far, nothing.

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Taxidermied frogs can be wonderful tabletop décor

May. 19th, 2015 | 02:46 pm

Whenever I get an email from my accountant I immediately feel a shockwave of fear shoot through me. It's not that she isn't a wonderful person or that she hasn't saved my financial ass repeatedly. It's the bigger concept of taxes that overshadows all of that. Does everyone feel this fear? Or is it just me, who has such a difficult time handling numbers to begin with, much less the complicated world of taxation, VAT, taxes across continents and taxes in in different languages.

In recent weeks I've been struggling with intense anger that's been bubbling up out of nowhere. Anger has never been an issue for me before so it's really strange, and I wonder why it's happening now. It's not even anger over daily events, it's anger directed at my parents, people from my past – ex-boyfriends and such – people that have no bearing on my daily life. I need to find some way to defuse these emotions because it's so completely unhelpful. I keep telling myself I'll start meditating and maybe that will help, but then I forget to do so. In the past I would walk to and from work and think about positive things, things I was looking forward to, but now it's all just me yelling at people in my head.

The stress of 1,000 things in an ever-constant state of increase may be getting to me.

In other news, Pinterest. While it's all beautiful and perfect, it is also nauseating, dumbed-down and full-on interactive monoculture. I'm the worst kind of addict, always searching for that peek inspirational high but never quite finding it as I scroll and search and collect pins on my boards.

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The Mushroom Squatters

May. 18th, 2015 | 01:56 pm

I started work on a new painting over the weekend, 'the Mushroom Squatters'. I made some good progress, although I still need to flesh out the morel's top and the carpet on the right, and of course then there will be the endless process of refinement, but at least it's off to a good start.

I saw a show of Picasso's work on Thursday here in Berlin. For such a great collection of paintings the show was exhibited modestly and the turnout was sparse. All the better for me to view it.

I joined up with some friends yesterday evening for a séance, some good old fashioned table tipping. The table didn't do a whole lot for us, though. It just slid around in slow, tight circles, and then stopped altogether. We gave up after about 20 minutes.

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// No Subject //

May. 4th, 2015 | 10:04 am

Nice long weekend.

In a fit of feeling dissatisfied with my wardrobe, I went through my clothes and re-engineered them. That is, I took skirts that didn't fit at the waist and took them in, sewed buttons back on and set things aside to take to the tailor for repairs that I can't do myself.

Yesterday I went out to Spreewald (about 1.5 hours south of Berlin) with my freind C. Here's an image of the traditional look of the region, which has Slavic roots:

We spent the day at a thermal spring. We were there for about six hours, in and out of the sauna, the steam room, the hot tub, the heated outdoor pool, the salt pool and the brine inhalation room. Pretty awesome.

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New clouds

Apr. 12th, 2015 | 08:00 pm

I haven't had a chance to paint since I started the new job. It was a struggle to keep my Sunday free from errands, obligations and social activities, but somehow I managed to do so, and was able to devote the afternoon to working on the painting.

I re-did the clouds in the background and fleshed out the pencil-like tool in the scientist's hand. I'm going to let it dry and then move it to the hallway so I can begin working on something new.

Feel like I might be coming down with something. A slow, dreary decent into illness, probably a sinus infection. I should go to bed early tonight.

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Four and twenty pigeons

Apr. 8th, 2015 | 02:48 pm

Last night I dreamed that I opened my oven and found that it was stuffed full with live pigeons. I had apparently felt the need to 'dry them', so had placed them inside the oven and turned the heat on low. This low heat was enough to kill some of the birds in the back of the oven where it became hottest. I felt crushing guilt over their deaths.

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Apr. 7th, 2015 | 11:42 pm

Poking around for treasure in the Victorian landfill along the Thames estuary was incredible. We got there at low tide and everything was wonderfully exposed. We had taken the train from London to Essex to get there – a stretch along the Thames estuary by Coalhouse Fort (which is supposedly extremely haunted).

Bones lay scattered among the broken bits of pottery and glass, as the Victorians had dumped the bodies of previous generations (ie, people in wigs) in the garbage to make way for new bodies in the London cemetaries. By the way, that's a little bunker on the left in the above photo, snuggled into the riverbank. The area was fortified during WWII but never saw much action, only one enemy plane was ever shot down.

We walked as far as we could until the rocks made the way impossible.

Now my treasures need a good wash. Yellow Fever and all that.

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Apr. 2nd, 2015 | 10:58 pm

London here I come – plane takes off tomorrow at 11am and I'll be there by noon.

There are so many things I would like to do while I'm there, one of which is to walk and perhaps lightly dig amongst the remains of a regency era cemetery/victorian garbage dump. Apparently it's become eroded over the years and things are starting to come up.

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// No Subject //

Mar. 30th, 2015 | 10:00 am

Terrible weekend. Feeling bummed, tired, sad, exhausted.

I have an app on my phone ("Magnetology") that alerts me when Earth experiences a solor storm. Interesting thing is, when we're experiencing these storms, everything seems to go haywire in my life. I get really sick, develop a conflict with someone or my hot water stops working. Random stuff. But there's a correlation. I remember looking at my phone thinking "I should batten down the hatches over the weekend", and I wish I had remembered to do that.

This too shall pass.

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Adventure awaits

Mar. 24th, 2015 | 04:45 pm

Despite today's Germanwings disaster, I just booked a flight to London. I'm going to spend the long Easter weekend there, visiting my good friend Sophie and seeing the sights. Staying at a place called Pepy's Road B&B. YAY

Last time I was in London was for work. I saw this cat in a blue dress and have forever wanted to return:

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Super eclipse moon blood equinox

Mar. 21st, 2015 | 01:39 pm

I met up with Rose at 11pm and we walked around Mitte looking for fun and adventure. We ran into some people we knew and hung with them for a while, and then made our way over to Clärchens Ballhaus (opened in 1913 and survived the wars intact), which I've always wanted to go to because the interior is so amazing, like something from a Kubrick film. This photo, taken during the day and all lit up, doesn't do it justice – but you can at least see that there's metallic tinsle decorating the walls and the mother of all disco balls hanging from the ceiling.

Rose's boyfriend was there with some clients from Edinburgh, so we hung out and chatted with them. They had all just been at an awards ceremony for a TV spot they had collaborated on; their spot had received two award nominations but didn't win either, so they were all glum as a result, but happy for Rose and I to join them and give their night a female element.

Because Clärchen's has been around forever, the place draws in people of every sort and age. So the crowd was a really mixed bag: there were retired people, families, business people, old ladies out on the town, teenagers, kids, you name it. We tried to dance but were followed around the dance floor by what appeared to be a Gypsy midget, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. It kind of killed our will to dance, so we retreated back to our table of bummed out ad men. Rose's boyfriend is fucking hilarious, though, so it was hard for the Scots to stay sad, what with him dancing around us with a 100 € note stuck to his forehead and a flower in his mouth.

I took a cab home around 3am and the driver couldn't get me all the way to my building because the street was blocked off with police vehicles. Everything was enveloped in a cloud of complete darkness as if a light vacuum had just passed over sucking up all the photons. The driver cautioned me to stay on my guard, to keep my wits about myself and to scream as loud as I could if anything were to happen as I walked the remainder of the way home.

Walking down the street I could make out the shapes of people standing around outside in disorientation, huddled in clusters. The air was filled with smoke and an acrid smell as though a gun battle had just gone down or something had exploded. I wanted to stop and ask someone what was going on, but more than that I wanted to get home as fast as possible. I was beginning to fear for my storefront as I hadn't thought to secure the front before I had gone out, leaving my windows exposed to whatever had gone down. On arriving home I saw, thankfully, that my windows were all intact, although there were the remains of a massive bonfire in the middle of the street. Thank fucking God the angel of anarchy has once again passed over my home.

The power was out in my building, so I had to grapple for matches in the dark and remove my makeup by candlelight.

About an hour later as I lay in bed I heard the gentle woosh of power being restored and all of my devices and appliances coming back to life.

Today I see in the news that there was some rioting and looting – our Lidl was looted!! I find this hilarious. People looted the fucking discount grocery store? Battle cry: I WANT ALL OF THE CHEEEEESE

And of course now I need to go grocery shopping :/
I hope Lidl is back to normal by now.

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Mar. 20th, 2015 | 12:00 am

Going out dancing tomorrow night. My friend R and I are trying to find a good place to go to but the majority of the clubs here are house/techno and that's not really our thing. Wanna find something not so repetative, not so 'oons oons oons...'

For no reason at all – here's me back in 2006, paying homage to Edie Sedgwick.
I miss that apartment like you wouldn't believe. When I have dreams about being 'home', they all take place there.

Happy spring equinox and eclipse!

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