Aug. 17th, 2016 | 06:54 pm
I sent out some more job applications and then decided that I really needed a treat to make myself feel better, so I went and got a Thai massage from a little shop near me.
A little old Thai woman named Porn worked wonders on me, kneading and pressing out all the stress and despair of not getting the job I wanted out of my muscles. Talked to my friend Rose on the phone and she consoled me by saying she felt I could do better than that company, they would have been a bad fit for me anyway. Maybe she's right. Maybe there's something better out there.
Going to a UX Book Club Meetup tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it, maybe I'll get to do a little networking, too. Gotta stay active and connected.
Last night I texted the guy and told him in final – albeit gentle – terms that we are over. He conceded. This is good, it gives us both closure. And I feel it was the right thing to do, rather than to try to gently untangle myself from him (which there would have been no end to). He was still texting and calling every day, not able to give me the space I deeply need. There was never going to be a gentle untangling, he's too emotionally attached. When given an inch he immediately grabs up 100 miles. So I opted for a clean break. I cried for a while after I sent the text, it wasn't an easy thing to do. But it was the right thing to do.
Aug. 15th, 2016 | 10:07 pm
It's not the 90% or higher I had hoped for... but hell, I'll take it :)
Aug. 14th, 2016 | 10:08 pm
The job interview on Friday went well. The people were great. I got thrown a couple academic, high level questions that kind of threw me for a loop. The interview was two hours long though, so I think I did well in the grand scheme of things. So who knows. I'll hear back this week what their decision is. Fingers crossed.
After this two fucking hour job interview I was pretty jacked up, so I went to a shamanic drum circle where a half native American guy from Texas beat a drum and sent everyone in the room into trance. It was wonderful to disassociate from my body and leave all of my ego driven fears, limiting beliefs, etc. behind. This will now be my preferred method to unwind from stressful events, I need my own personal shaman.
After the shamanic drumming I went out dancing at the gothic/industrial club near where I live and danced until I could dance no more. Always a good way to end a Friday.
Aug. 13th, 2016 | 02:55 pm
"Human interaction and improper feeding of domestic and wild pigeons is believed to be one of the reasons for the birds' decline. While many urban areas claim that pigeon populations are out of control, the truth is that around 59 species are currently threatened by extinction, which is over 20 percent of the pigeon population. Since the 1600s, 10 species of pigeon have become extinct. While habitat loss and over-hunting are partly to blame, bird specialists believe that domestication and improper feeding has weakened the entire species."
Aug. 12th, 2016 | 12:22 pm
The video production is cheesy, but what it's showcasing is pretty amazing:
There's a similar school in Austria and they offer seminars for adults. Apparently it's harder for adults to learn to do this kind of thing because we're so analytical. But something I've been able to do for years is, when I'm having a bout of insomnia and am laying awake in total darkness, I'll practice 'seeing' my hands in front of my face. So this is something I know I can already do, and I've even gone so far as to still be able to do it while wearing a sleep mask. I can't read a book or ride a bike blindfolded, but I don't know. Maybe it's possible to work up to that point.
The mind is such an interesting thing.
Aug. 6th, 2016 | 08:35 pm
When the alarm went off I thought holy fuck why is my alarm going off. But then I remembered why I had set it, so I dragged myself out of bed and sat on the couch and meditated for 15 minutes before getting back into bed and drifting off to sleep once more.
And it worked wonderfully – I immediately fell into a dream state in which I was powerfully aware of my surroundings and the fact that I was in a dream. I floated up to the ceiling and clawed through the plaster like it was wet sand, and I could feel it palpably in my hands as I worked through it. I kept waking up and then falling back into sleep, but throughout the duration I was in full awareness that I was dreaming and could feel and sense everything around myself as though it was real.
I suppose I'll give it another shot tonight.
The guy I've been seeing seems to like me quite a bit, more than I like him, in fact. He keeps trying to invent reasons to have to come by. I finally agreed to have coffee with him tomorrow. I can do that. I haven't been feeling well (due to bad case of tonsillitis which then required a course of antibiotics which has resulted in intense fatigue due to gut bacteria genocide). Anyway, I almost told him to just leave me alone, I'm not his girlfriend we're not in a relationship, I don't owe him anything, but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't – it's not his fault I'm such an introvert and just want to be left alone. And I don't know, maybe he's good for me. I don't know.
Aug. 2nd, 2016 | 11:33 pm
I have a Skype interview for a job tomorrow morning at 11am. Wish me luck!
Jul. 30th, 2016 | 07:43 pm
I'm not depressed or falling into a black hole of anxiety, but I DO have a feeling of being lost, overwhelmed by life and needing someone to talk to. I need someone to help me determine my priorities and form a plan and remind me that I AM ENOUGH. Because I forget that all the time. And to remind me that it's OK to stop and smell the roses sometimes. I don't always have to be such an overachiever.
And because I know what it's like to fall into a blackhole of depression and anxiety. So this time around I will take care of myself BEFORE things spiral out of control. Yes.
Jul. 28th, 2016 | 02:50 pm
Antibiotics. I haven't had to take antibiotics in YEARS. And afterwards I'll need to eat loads of yogurt and sauerkraut so I can rePOOPulate my gut with good bacteria.
Jul. 28th, 2016 | 12:09 am
On Friday I take the official B1 test. I am 'beyond' this now, but have enormous test insecurities. My teacher tells me I wll pass it with flying colours. Fingers crossed, I hope she's right. It's an important step in my attaining permanent residency here, which I deeply want. Pray for me. My heart tells me that I will pass it, but my head tells me I do not know everything awesomely enough. Insecurity rules.
In other news, I have taken action towards a dream. It is an artistic dream, but also a business dream, putting magic in motion. Today I took the first baby steps to something bigger.
Jul. 21st, 2016 | 07:00 pm
Feeling really down, uncenterd, unsure about everything.
Wish I had a better support system in my life, like a family or a boyfriend or just someone who is "there". But there is no one there.
Jul. 15th, 2016 | 05:57 pm
Jul. 14th, 2016 | 12:00 pm
And now the nail scissors. I hope this wasn't a big mistake, I'll know in a day or two if I love/hate it. I think I like it.
It is the French independance day today. I didn't even know they had one.
Jul. 12th, 2016 | 03:32 pm
Police here are impossibly good looking, by the way. I have no idea what the deal is, it’s like they have a departmental hotness contest going on, or they all participate in a calendar project to raise money. Hard to keep from staring. I would take photos but don't want to draw attention to myself. Trust me, it's some serious, hardcore, riot-gear-wearing eye candy.
Jul. 11th, 2016 | 11:05 pm
There were noodles (looked like rigatoni) in my belly which were parasites, it was totally disgusting. I slit my gut open so I could pick out the noodle/worms but it was not an easy task. I asked my mother if she would use a long tweezers to remove the worms while I held the wound open wide for her.
Jul. 11th, 2016 | 01:24 pm
I feel a little Godforsaken, just comming off of a long weekend with a fellow named Christian. Thus ended my 3-year dryspell. He made sandwiches and we watched Game of Thrones, talked about our lives, our families, our pasts. We lost track of time and days passed. He is also between jobs (with good prospects), so our situations mirror one another a bit. It was nice to not be alone, to have someone to lay beside, although I don't think it will go anywhere, ultimately. It was perfect for what it was, though.
I had an interview last Friday, will have another tomorrow, and one on Wednesday as well. I really had no idea I was this 'employable', everyone seems interested, its great. And nevertheless I feel a little Godforsaken, a little empty. Maybe I'm still working off the weekend's hangover, maybe it's the equal and opposite reaction to the euphoria I felt last week when I signed the agreement to terminate my employment one month early in exchange for two months of paid vacation. So now I am on vacation for two months as I look for a new position. I also take two classes: German B2, and User Experience Design. So now I will have more time to study. And two months of summer vacation in the heart of Prussia could be worse. I should take some day-trips and explore the countryside.
For now I just wish the clerk would call my name so I can get the registration process going. Grey carpet, fluorescent lighting and summer heat. This is my happily ever after, the beginning and the end of the line. Even God forgets from time to time.
Mar. 14th, 2016 | 06:21 pm
I got up early this morning, meditated for 20 minutes and then went running. Feeling proud of myself for actually doing the things that I always tell myself I should be doing but never actually do.
German class tonight. I missed the last class due to food poisoning. Ole who sits next to me tells me that was a poor excuse, suffering from food poisoning is actually the perfect condition to attend German class in. God he cracks me up.
Mar. 9th, 2016 | 10:53 pm
Learned about infrared saunas today, and I'm totally facinated. A little spa near where I live has one, I'm going to check it out after work on Friday. I wonder if there will be dudes there. I bet there will. It's normal to trot around naked in spas here, men and women together. I find it kind of liberating, kind of awkward. Freikörperkultur, woo hoo!
Mar. 7th, 2016 | 11:43 am
I'm looking forward to exercising, running, riding my bike to work again.
I've been reading Werner Herzog's book, 'Vom Gehen Im Eis' in the original German. When I don't know a word I write it down and make a flash card so I can learn it. So now I have an entire deck of flash cards with words like, "düster (gloomy)", "Weltzusammenbruch (world collapse)", "Unding (absurdity)" and "Finsterling (sinister character)". The book is fantastic, by the way, I highly recommend it. There's an English translation available as well, entitled "Of Walking in Ice".
Mar. 2nd, 2016 | 02:51 pm
Just some bullets on some things.
• I'm on day 6 of a 10 day cleansing fast/detox thing. I can't believe I haven't eaten food since last Thursday! It's kind of insane. I'm feeling good though, which is something I didn't expect. I thought this would be much more difficult, but I haven't felt hungry or crappy at all. I'm drinking tons of juice as well as taking some psyllium fibre stirred into the juice from time to time throughout the day. Even though it hasn't been particularly difficult, I am massively looking forward to Monday when I get to start eating food again.
• I'm taking German classes in the evenings twice a week. So far I've made it to every single class for over a month. Sure, I can speak German at this point, but I really want to improve.
• I bought some nice clothes for myself recently, some non-H&M clothes. I am trying to make an effort to get away from having a ton of cheap clothes that fall apart quickly, to having fewer things which last longer and are of better quality.