February 11th, 2015

goldie

(no subject)

The agency which last week said they would have work for me informed me yesterday that they wouldn't after all. So I spent today applying for other jobs and feeling less and less positive about the world and my place in it.

Of course today is also the day when my mother decided to call, when I am in a foul mood and have nothing positive to report. I feel guilty for not communicating with her more, but don't feel like it's fair to dump all of my fears and frustrations on her, either – or anyone else for that matter.

Over the weekend there was too much going on and I felt crushed by social obligations. Now there is nothing going on and I feel crushed by the silence. I wish life could be more consistent in the ways that it crushes me.

Funny thing about losing weight. Over the past couple months when people discovered my intention to lose weight they became super concerned and jumped all over me with, "but you're already so skinny!" "You don't need to lose any weight!" and "If you lose any weight you'll disappear!"

But now that I am down ten pounds I get tons of complements along the lines of, "You look amazing!" "What have you been doing?" and "Wow, winter is treating you well!"

Why do people on the one hand discourage me from doing something, and then on the other – perhaps unwittingly – praise the results? It feels to me as if optimal health must be achieved covertly so as not to upset those who choose to pursue average or less-than-average health (with whom I have no problem whatsoever). Regardless of the mild social disapproval, the results have been worth it. I feel so much better in my own skin, my face has cleared up and I have a ton more energy. And no, I didn't 'disappear'