Alcippe (alcippe) wrote,
Alcippe
alcippe

  • Mood:

broken on the inside

I'm illin' pretty hard today.

I met up with todomy and madresal yesterday after work for some drinks and and an awesome view of the sunset from Madresal's balcony. Todd poured us a round of Lucid Absinthe and I got to try my first "real" glass of it. Pretty good stuff - and very similar to what I've been brewing over the years. Todomy's friend Erica joined us around 9 or so, and we had a grand old time shooting the breeze.

Then around 10:30pm I got a call from O: "Where are you? I'm at Neo. I know you always come here on Friday nights and I wanted to surprise you, but you're not here."

I couldn't believe my ears. O was at NEO? We've been together for over three years and he NEVER goes out and does things with me. So him going outside of his comfort zone to surprise me like this meant the world. "Please don't leave! I'll be there in a half hour!" I told him and grabbed up my bags. Madresal, Todomy and Erica joined me on my mad dash to get all the way back down to Clark and Fullerton, and we did actually make it there in 30 minutes. It was so good to see him. I was pretty hammered when I got there, but whatever. We had such a great time. I requested a whole bunch of songs and the DJ played them all. I was finally able to introduce people to my boyfriend! It felt so good to be a couple. I danced my heart out, and even O got up and danced a little towards the end of the night. And then it was 4am and the lights came on and it was time to leave.

We walked down the alley and then down to my street, where O handed me my backpack and told me he was going to part ways and head home. At which point the whole beautiful illusion of happy, normal couple-dom was shattered and I was reminded that despite all the fun we'd just had I was still going to wake up alone in the morning.

I took my backpack from him and just walked away. No kiss, no hug good night, I was just too hurt for any of that. And I wanted him to feel even just a tiny stab of the pain I felt from his departure. I looked back after I'd walked half the block and he was gone. And that's when the chest sobs came billowing up and I screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs for the rest of the walk home. It was the frustration of a year's worth of lonely mornings and empty nights coming out of me like vomit.

I'm not sure why it hurt so much more last night that he didn't stay over. It just felt like the right thing for him to do. The right thing that any other man would happily do. On Sundays when he comes over I'm usually tired at night and need to get up early in the morning, so it's not as big a deal. But this was Friday night.

I woke up this morning with mascara streaks down my face and a massive hangover. Today's pretty much been a loss; I haven't really been able to move around much without feeling nauseous. And I've been so sad. So goddamn fucking sad.
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