Alcippe (alcippe) wrote,

A sad night's sleep

Yesterday I thought it would be kinda fun to put a notebook under my pillow when I went to bed so I could write down my dreams during the night. It's something I used to do but haven't done for a long time. So over the course of the night, whenever I would wake up from a dream I would jot down the main points and then go back to sleep. By the time morning came I had collected three dreams, and could see that there was a pretty striking theme running through all of them.

We were in a giant bed together in a darkened room, and I felt a huge distance between us. He was sitting up beside me, awake, so I moved over and put my arms around him. He was unresponsive to me, and then got up and walked away, leaving me alone in the giant bed in the dark room.

The second featured me as a very little girl, maybe three years old. My parents were playing with a beige cat out on the front lawn of our house, making sure it didn't run indoors. My grandmother was there too, and she picked me up in her arms and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Then it became clear that the happy scene I was watching was old film footage, and I woke up sobbing because I missed those days so much.

In the third dream I was visiting Jeff and Maggie at their home and Jack and I were playing with his toys. Jack was wearing a little propeller hat and he wanted me to spin the propeller but I didn't know how, so Maggie showed me how it was done. Then, suddenly Jeff fell to the floor and couldn't breathe. Everyone in the room froze and I watched in horror as he turned dark purple. I started hitting him on the chest as hard as I could, but it wasn't his heart that was the problem. Then I suddenly knew (as one does in dreams) that I had to breath into his mouth because I had antibodies in my breath that he needed. So I breathed into his mouth and he slowly was able to breathe again. Again, I woke up sobbing, because he had come so close to dying.

The theme seems to be one of loss. Fear of losing others, longing for lost joys of the past, and loneliness. In my waking life I rarely hear from my family, but I'm not the most communicative person, either. I miss them and the days when we were all together; no effort was needed to "stay in touch" because we were under the same roof.

The dream about O is pretty clear; his distance and the giant bed that he gets up and leaves is almost a literal reflection of our reality. The dream was just underscoring the pain that I don't allow myself to deal with/acknowledge during waking hours.

I called my grandma today to see how she was doing but she didn't answer the phone. Then I called my parents' cell phone and it turned out that they were right there with my grandmother and were re-arranging her furniture. My grandmother was in one of her overwhelmed/confused/unresponsive states though, so I didn't get to talk to her. My mother thought it would be best if I called back tomorrow when she will hopefully be more aware. I miss them all so much.
Tags: family

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