That's when I got up and went to the ladies' room. While in there, I was suddenly attacked by my own guts; everything inside of me came spilling out in an incredibly painful event. It was insane. And then things got even Shittier – I started to lose consciousness. Seriously. Still seated, I flushed the toilet, waited a bit, and then struggled to my feet, trying to fasten my pants as quickly as I could, but my fingers wouldn't work right.
I woke up and found myself sprawled out on the floor of the stall with the toilet seat cradling my head. My nose hurt like a motherfucker, so I must have slammed it on the toilet paper dispenser on my way down. I gathered myself up, got out of the stall, and washed my hands as fast as I could – I was starting to lose consciousness again. I held onto the wall and made it to the door. As I made my way out I noticed a coworker's feet behind one of the stall doors, and it occurred to me that she must have been in there the entire time, waiting. You know. One of those people who doesn't like to pee when other people are around.
I made it out of the ladies' room, fell to my knees on the industrial grey carpeting, and crawled my way over to a bank of cubes opposite the bathroom. "Uh, hi guys. Sorry I'm crawling around like this. I know it's fucked up. So, I'm really REALLY sick and I need to go to the hospital. Could you call 911? That would be awesome." The girl sitting in the corner got on the phone immediately. I couldn't really move, so I just laid on the floor.
The ambulance seemed to take forEVER. I chatted with the people in the cubes and gradually started to feel a little better. I was even able to sit up a bit. By the time the paramedics came with their giant rolling bed I was able to sit in an actual chair and began to have doubts about needing to go to the hospital after all. But when they found that my blood pressure was 80 over 60 they dragged me onto their Rollaway and strapped me in. Oxygen tubes were shoved up my nose and an IV was slammed into my arm. Away we went! Down through the halls with all of my coworkers watching with deeply concerned eyes! I wanted to tell them that I was OK, that it had just been a really big dump and I would be fine, but I didn't say anything, and off to the hospital I went.
The emergency room was nice. Much nicer than any I've been to in the past, in fact. And the nurses and doctors were very nice. I donned a hospital gown. Blood was drawn, samples of this and that were taken, and an EEG graphed my heart's beats. There was a rectal exam, too ("She passed out?? Well, better check her ass!!!") That bit I could have totally done without.
At 3pm I was given a clean bill of health and was handed my discharge papers. I took a cab home and then zonked out on the couch.
Yeah, it was a pretty Crappy day.