Alcippe (alcippe) wrote,

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Get me out of here

I had a conversation with W last night and it underscored yet another reason why I need to leave Chicago. The thing is this: in this town I am known as being a "great designer". People in the art world here are aware of what I do – I've got a reputation – and it puts a filter on how they perceive me. I am a Designer, NOT an artist, and there is no crossing or blurring of that line. I've been told that a designer who paints is like when a famous actor or actress tries to become a rock star... it just doesn't "work".

Would my art really be more relevant if I were a bank teller or a administrative assistant? It makes no sense. And I think it's not only cruel to tell me what I am or am not capable of, it's Wrong. There are countless artists who did commercial design work before they were able to gain acceptance as fine artists – Andy Warhol and Willem DeKooning are just two that immediately come to mind – and they're two of the most important painters of the last century.

I have been told to be content, and to throw my creativity into what I AM good at, not what I WISH I was good at. But it's fucking bullshit. I mean give me a break, I've only been painting for a few years and I'm still just getting the hang of it. It's unfair to tell me that I'm not good at something I've only just begun to explore.

People have been telling me what I can't do my entire life. I've got dyslexia and ADHD, and if I believed everything I ever heard about what my potential was I'd be helping ladies select nice colors of eyeshadow and lipstick behind the counter at the department store – that'll be $24.99, please! But fuck that. I'll paint under a pseudonym if I have to.

When I get to Berlin I intend to draw a sharp, deep line between what I do to pay the bills and my art.
I'll be able to start fresh and not be haunted by my stupid fucking job.

In other news, I worked on the new painting last night. Here is my stupid ugly never going to be any good (in Chicago) painting:


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